Learning from Crucial Conversation
About this book
This post is an extraction of some lessons from the book, “Crucial Conversation”. It is one of the books that also helped me in my career.
Who should read
The book might be dry and there are many lessons to be learnt from the book. So, definitely it is one of the books that I have read again and again after some times. The good news is that I could borrow an ebook easily from national library in Singapore.
This book is useful for anyone. In fact, if you are struggling with how to get into or navigate during crucial conversation, this book is a book that you should definitely read it.
I took some notes just like the previous one, team of teams, however, I am quite surprised later that it has more than 1 hour of reading. So I decided to break it down into a byte-sized article instead. If you want to read more, check out the “Crucial Conversation” tag.
Disagree using ABCs
Now, you are inside the discussion and there is something that you disagree. How do you disagree?
When you want to disagree, use ABC response.
Agree - If you agree with some of what was said, respond by identifying what you agree with. Instead of saying “I disagree,” you should have said, “Mike, I agree that we should do xyz.” This will provide you a situation where the other person will be less defensive.
Build - If you agree and want to add to it, build on their idea. “I agree we should to do xyz. I also think we should do 123.” Building on someone’s else idea, will give you some supports.
Compare - If you disagree with what was said, don’t attack, criticize, or disagree. Rather, compare your opinion. This is often best done by first paraphrasing the other person’s idea, then sharing your own. For example, “Mike, you think we should do xyz. Is that right? I think we should do 123.”
Paraphrase and Priming
Both paraphrase and prime can produce immediate and measurable impact on an interaction, Paraphrase is more well-known than prime.
What is paraphrase? Paraphrase is simply taking time to repeat back what you’ve heard. It could have a big impact on others. Instead of formulating a response, focus on what is being said. It is not only important that you use this skill, but how you use this skill.
By paraphrasing, the message you want to send is not only that you are staying on track with conversation, but also that you are okay with what is being shared.
Priming is by paraphrasing with a little inference. Priming is where empathy and paraphrasing meet. To do well, you need to put yourself in the other’s position, take what’s been shared, and make an educated guess as to how they are thinking and feeling about the topic. For example, you ask: “It sounds like you’ve experienced things from me that make you think I have a grudge about how things went at the end. Is that right? What have I done that looked like that?”
Make it safe by using Contrasting
While you want to keep dialogue consists of the free flow of meaning, that would stop when one feels a lack of safety. If you noticed that you and the others have moved away from dialogue, you need to do something to make it safer.
If you simply understand that your challenge is to make it safer during dialogue, 9 out of 10 times, you’ll intuitively do something that helps.
The action could be as simple as by asking a question or showing interest in others’ views. Apologies, smiles, even a request of a short “time-out” can help restore safety. The main idea is to make it safe for everyone, so the dialogue could be effective.
One of the methods is by using Contrasting. For example, if you want to talk about something personal about him, you might start your conversation: “Mike, I wanna discuss something about your behavior. I don’t intend to hurt your feelings. I want to share something that could be helpful for your own. Could I share with you?” Establish Mutual Purpose. Let the other person know your intentions are honorable.
And of course, in any time during the dialogue, if you noticed that safety is getting compromised, you need to do something to make it safer again.
Conclusion
There are many wisdoms and sharing of approaches in crucial conversation. You may be scared and struggling in the beginning. But the more you practice, the better you will be.